Being a conservative democrat, i often find myself a little too conservative for the school I attend, so I have devised some steps in order to lighten the mood each day:
1. Style your hair at school. Nothing irks hippie trash more than whipping out a fat bottle of ozone-depleting Aquanet.
2. Wear a Red Clown nose: No longer will you be subjected to the ragged masses that refuse to bathe/wear deodorant/shave/ vote/ let go of the tree. Rather, the clown nose will stop you from inhaling Hippie Stank which is known to cause hair growth, stagnant economic growth, and burlap underwear. Side bonus: the hippies, hopped up on herbal supplements will stare at your clown nose with hypnotic admiration. You will be a golden god. At least for 45-90 minutes until their euphoria subsides (from what i hear).
3. Don Corporate Attire: Granolas hate the "I love starbucks shirt". Better yet, they hate the "Baby seals: Food or clothing" shirt more. Wrap yourself in a real Grizzly Bear rug and go to class. Not only will hippies be utterly repulsed by your attire, but teachers will give you style points for being a caveman, ergo the "original hippie".
4. Wear Pink: Pink is an effective hippie repellant. Hippies are confused by the complex, masculine, color. Being ingorant to current fashion trends, the hippies think that you are gay and are less likely to talk to you.
5. Take a ream of paper and throw it all over campus. Better yet, take 10 reams of paper and litter campus. Hippies will be mad that you are killing their poor phallic symbols, i mean trees, and will be even more upset that you are littering the environment.
6. Start the Concrete Promulgation Society: No longer will our earthy hillsides remain lush and unused. If there isnt a starbucks every 10 feet then I see building potential. When the hippies reject this club, shun them with employment applications and remind them that they are Starbucks potential. After all, school loans dont pay themselves.
7-10: Reader's Choice Submissions. Discuss
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7.Hold a protest rally against the monopoly the human race has over Earth’s (Terra’s in hippy-speak) resources. Demand that no less than 20% of all present-day natural resources be saved for interstellar visitors, and denounce all populations as greedy evil monopolizing capitalists who are fueling interstellar poverty on other planets.
Then organize a counter protest against any possible wealthy aliens, demanding a progressive tax of their resources, back dating to the evolution of opposable thumbs in humans. Have a bake sale.
Then clarify that all poor aliens may be eligible for Earth-food stamps and subsidized daycare. Hold a rally.
Then denounce the word “alien” as offensive and replace it with “otherworlder”. March on the capital.
Accuse all rivals of “otherwordler-phobia”. Write to the local newspapers describing how their hate mongering is not going to stop you. Apply for federal funding to explore the impact on society of potential “otherworlders”.
Once the student body is under sway and the federal funding is yours, fake your own death, misappropriate the funds, and travel to Norway. They’ll never find you there.
Repeat every 10 years.
Wow babe. You are not such a closet Republican anymore! You may actually be more of a conservative than me now!
It's really simple: start wearing a suit to class every day.
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