Because some of you will wet your pants if you have to wait to read this

Just had my Ethics midterm. Yes, i know what your thinking. A midterm in big boy school? Its true folks. And let me tell you. It didnt just rape me. It bought me a drink, smooth talked me, and slipped me a roofie when i went to freshen up. It even requested Sweet Child O Mine from the DJ. Ok, that might have been a bit dramatic, or even a flashback from college for some, but you woudlnt read this if it wasnt partly false.

Anyway, as soon as I can remember who I am, operation nerd-bash will resume. And Im serious this time about good grades.

Ninja skills

An example of my super ninja like quickness: I was walking to class when I slowed down to check myself out in the window of the passing classroom. As I gazed at myself, I noticed that one of my books was slipping out of my hands. Without breaking eye contact with myself, I caught the book singlehandedly as it fell to the ground. Thats fast.

S is for Suck it Trebek

School Sucks. But what sucks more, are those people who tell you to "trick yourself into liking it." Why dont you trick yourself into liking jumping off a really tall bridge? Yeah, thats the ticket.

Karma

I was instant messenging with Turd Ferguson when he abruptly told me he had to go, because his girlfriend makes him watch Dancing with the Stars. Arguably, the gayest show ever, including Queer Eye. So after a few minutes of laughter, I decided to turn on the TV. To my horror, my rabbit ears would only pick up one station. The moral of the story: Fuck ABC.

Celluloid Dream

Every morning in the library, someone fires up the microfiche machine and starts looking at film. Every morning. What research requires this? Better yet, nothing worthwhile requires microfiche. It is safe to say that if you have used a microfiche machine., or know someone who has, you are cool. And by cool, I mean that you are a huge, politics loving, tapered jeans wearing, NERD!

The Lava is Red

Law school in an analogy:

Remember in grade school when you built the volcano for the science fair. You were all excited because it was realistic and spewed lava all over the place. In fact, you thought you had a legitimate shot at winning that cool gold ribbon, until the nerds brought their experiments in. There is something about the recombinant DNA of a bee's wings that makes a volcano pale by comparison.

Moral of the story: No elaborate description of baking soda, vinegar, and food coloring will impress those whose sole motivation in life is to compete with other nerds.

On the Next Montel

Bloggers who pretend to be the opposite sex on their blog are cyber- crossdressers. Discuss.

Take the lid off slowly

Im fucking pissed. Last week my LRW teacher told me my research was on point with the issue. Instead, I found out from a classmate that my research was nowhere close to accurate. I want my 3k back for this piece of shit class that isnt being taught.

Pork

Turd Ferguson requests a post about "pork and pork related products".

Bacon: where else, but in America can an entepreneur take the fattiest part of an animal salt it up and sell it for 5000% what it costs. That is the american dream. It doesnt get more "polishing a turd" than that.

Pork related: Texans hook up with Pigs when the sheep are being groomed.

Ask and ye shall receive

Im sick of coming up with ideas to post. Now its your turn. Tell me what you want me to talk about and I will give you some pearls of wisdom. Keep it appropriate and in line with my theme of taking over world (one doughnut at a time).

Law School in One Picture

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Anything Less would be uncivilized.

Just because you became an accountant doesnt disqualify you from being my butler in 3 years. In fact, good butlers that can make a mean mojito are hard to find.

And she stepped on the ball...

For those who have been sending me food stamps, money, and inappropriate pictures, there is no need to worry that I am starving. I am officially employed again. Not as a waiter, not as an anatomy by braille instructor, but as a real life law clerk. Its true, i get to argue motions, read thousands of pages, all while wearing a bow tie.

Truth be told, I will be working 10-15 hours a week starting next week, so expect for some exciting caffeine induced posts. Until then, rent swimfan and eat lots of trans fat.

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day to my wonderful girlfriend Abogada. You are amazing in so many different ways.

Career Decision

I want to be the first law student to become an Arbitrator straight out of law school. I seem to be quite good at getting in the middle of arguments, so getting $400/hr to do it seems the logical choice. Also leading me to this decision is the realization that I look damn good in a 50 gallon styrofoam cowboy hat.

Stop the Presses

Did you hear the news? Axl has finally come out of his 13 year psychosis to release another album. This album better be worth the F'ing wait. Maybe this is all part of Axl's plan to run for president in 2008. He might do a smidge more blow than Dubya, and bed a few more groupies than Clinton, but you havent lived until you hear Axl's State of the Union ballad.

Recharge

Sometimes a day off from studying is the best thing you can do for your life at that moment.

Thats how we do it in International Relations Bitch!

As if there was any doubt that The OC is the greatest show ever, here is more proof.

Wisdom

Writing prof gave us some excellent words of wisdom regarding our trial briefs due tomorrow. In regards to how long to make the brief, she said, "The trial brief is like a mini-skirt. It should be short enough to make things interesting, but long enough to cover the subject."

Lost

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground." -The Pixies

That about sums up life right now.

Fan Mail

Dear Mick,

After drinking four beers and gorging myself on nachos before halftime, I was already on the edge. I just have one question for you. How did you steal a pair of my girlfriend's pants? Better yet, why where you wearing a shirt sized for a nine year old? I dont want to see a 65 year old woman's midriff, let alone yours. Anyway, you will be happy to know that vomit comes off of suede easily, thanks to the cleaning supplies that Keith was apparently huffing before the show.

I have to tell you, the article i read in GQ last month that stated you've had sex with thousands of girls was full of shit. No consious, willing, adult woman would have sex with a guy wearing pants like that. I guess that brings new meaning to "I cant get no satisfaction."

Nauseously,

Gr8

Floss

After 3 terms of busting my ass, with marginal results, I have officially dubbed this term "The G String" term. Why you ask? Because less is more. No more 14 hour study binges. Instead, I will be binging on all the things I have been missing out like doughnuts, my girlfriend, picking my gigantic nose, working out, cutting down trees, spraying CFC's into the air just cuz i can, and reading Republican Weekly.

Not only will I not arrive to school before anyone else, but I will be at least the 8th person there. Instant Messenger during class, hell yes! When teachers call on me, not only will I ask what page the case is on, but I will refer to each case as the "car" case. That will surely evoke a fun reaction from my professors. Dont believe me? Yesterday I did above mentioned actions when called on, and today the teacher asked me If i wanted him to write me a letter of recommendation. No kidding.

So if you see me in the halls, on instant messenger, sleeping, snorting ground up coffee beans, just keep on walking. There's only enough room for one in this g string.

Get em while their hot

Tickets for the superbowl are in the thousands on ebay. Really, it blows my mind that I cant even give away tickets to the gunshow.

I must have a sign on my head that says call on me because ive been called on in each class today.